Diagnosis and Reactions
My diagnosis of cancer was an accidental find, humanly speaking; but I believe it was God’s divine intervention. After a medical examination that found that my hemoglobin level was very low (5 – normal is about 12) but I dismissed it as not urgent and left it unattended till one day (months later) I asked my GP for alternatives for iron pills (wanted to avoid constipation, the side effects of iron pills) and she urged me to check into A&E and the hospital will probably give me a blood transfusion which will increase my hemoglobin quickly. After much urging from my GP, I went to SGH A&E with much fear. I got my two pints of blood but the doctors were unable to find the cause of my low hemoglobin level. I was discharged after given an outpatient CT Scan appointment. Cut the long story short, after a series of CT scans and stomach endoscopy, they found the cancer cells in my stomach.
Of course, I was rather devastated upon hearing the news from the doctor. It was a shock and I just couldn’t stop crying (I tried controlling my tears as I was at a public place after all, but hearing the empathetic voices of my close friends over the phone made it hard to control those tears) and had to take a while before I could calm myself.
It really helped that my church group had a whatsapp chat and after I told them about the diagnosis, my pastor called me and her understanding and empathy and advice helped me to calm down. Encouraging smses from my sisters-in-christ helped too.
I went to have some solitude and I was reminded of what God spoke to me the night before during a church worship rehearsal for that weekend’s services (it was from one of the songs we were going to sing, “Amazing Grace” by Chris Tomlin): “The Lord has promised good to me” and the feeling of being enveloped by the absoluteness of that promise the night before came back to me and though the news was disturbing, to say the least, I felt safe in God’s hands and I knew that He would take care of everything and I would be fine. Yeap, there was peace and I was even joyful (not over the fact that I got cancer but that it was not the end and there was HOPE of a better future). I don’t think it’s denial but it was God’s grace that brought light to the darkness.
It certainly helped that I knew I wasn’t going to die as the cancer was diagnosed early (Stage 2) and it was localized in the stomach. The reason I said it was God’s divine intervention was that I didn’t feel any pain the stomach, unlike the typical stomach cancer patient who only found out in the late stage as there was pain in the stomach. Also, the medical examination I had earlier showed unremarkable cancer marker.
I told my five elder brothers thru whatsapp (should I thank whatsapp for making it easier for me?) and my mother when I reached home. When they got the news, naturally they were concerned and my mother was burdened and wondered why this had to happen to her daughter. My elder brothers were more practical and wanted to ensure the best course of medical treatment was taken. For me, I was content to continue with SGH as my surgeon (who had to remove my stomach) was someone I felt very comfortable with and assured by his professionalism and cheerfulness. Yes, the interaction with the surgeon mattered !!!! I was so thankful that I got a really good one. The surgeon, I mean.
Unfortunately for me, my cancer cells were really devious and the rare occasion of cells going “underground” and spreading in between the layers of the stomach took place. Consequently, the surgeon had to remove the whole stomach the second time round (had partial removal of stomach the first time). I was really sad and the hope that saw me through the first operation was eroded. It was hard to be less gloomy this time round. Thankfully, though I still ask “why ?”, I didn’t fall into depression. And when God used a sister-in-Christ to encourage my heart through a vision she saw of God going before me and fighting for me, my heart was once again enveloped by His grace and love. Hope bubbled once again.
Concerns
Thankfully I’ve been working for just over two decades so finance wasn’t really a concern when it comes to paying hospitalization bills, and it was great that it was at the end of the year so it was school holidays and I didn’t need to worry about work. I was more worried about the chemotherapy which would take six months. Could I still work with the side effects of chemo ? Would I have sufficient savings to pay for treatment while not working ? I still have to support my mother…
Thankfully, the number of paid leave that I could get from school (my workplace) covered the duration of my chemotherapy so I could simply rest at home while undergoing chemo and not have to worry over finances. Also, there’s the company insurance that I could claim from so I was relieved.
Treatment
I will have a play on the word “treatment”. First, the physical treatments I had to undergo and second, the treatment I would like to get from people.
Physical treatment: I had to remove the cancer cells from my stomach. Unfortunately for me, it was the whole stomach. (sidetrack: Can I live without a stomach ? Yes, I can. And I was wrong to think that all the digestion takes place in the stomach. Digestion starts in the mouth and it’s the intestines that do more of the digestion.) Goes without saying that surgery was painful, especially the second one where it was no longer a key hole surgery. I have a 14 cm slit in my body now. I was on morphine for a few days which made me drowsy and lethargic. Simple movements like getting out of bed was a struggle, needless to say.
The second part of my physical treatment : chemotherapy. Have to undergo six months of infusion and oral chemo. Fortunately for me, the CT scan showed that I am clear of cancer but the oncologist had to prescribe a course of chemo to ensure no future relapse. So I have to go through eight cycles of chemo, each lasting three weeks. On the first day of the cycle, I have to undergo two hours of infusion chemo, which is like a drip – via needles (yucks), and then I start on a course of TS1 (drug name) pills for two weeks. Then I get one week of rest for my body to recover. A blood test follows and after seeing the oncologist who’ll monitor my body’s response, the next cycle starts.
“Human” treatment : How did I want to be treated during treatment? Whether I had just come out from surgery and recuperating in the hospital or at home, the answer is the same: just as they would normally interact with me. A cheerful balloon, time spent together, a card, a soft toy (now I have a whole box of care bears from friends!), a prayer together, sharing latest news of friends, jokes etc – anything that came from the heart was most appreciated.
Changes
Have things changed for me? Definitely. More so physically for now. I've lost 10 kg (which I am most thankful for !!!) and I now have to eat frequent small meals (can only stomach about one third of what I could in the past at one go). It saddens me that I couldn’t finish a bowl of noodles in the food court so I don’t eat at coffee shops now (anyway I’m resting at home now so this is not an issue). Visions of lunching out with friends at Fish and Co, Carousel etc sort of dissipates till hopefully someday in the future I could eat more at one go.
As I’m still undergoing chemo now, the side effects (tiredness, tingling sensation of limbs, abdominal pain and loss of appetite) make my life less mobile and more inclined to remain in the house. Nonetheless, I must also say that living at a more leisurely pace is welcomed!!
Have my perspective of life changed ? I would say sort of.
I was reminded of God’s sovereignty and how much less of a deal I’m making for myself when I tried to manage things for myself, i.e. be self sufficient and dependent on self to make life better. The lesson was learnt when things went awry despite me upgrading my hospital ward. I was miserable till I let go and submitted to God’s sufficiency. Then peace came. I guess, over the years, independence has become self reliance and kicking God out of active lordship. Not saying independence is bad, though.
Another shift in my priority: to be more people centred. Accomplishments come and go but the experiences that touch the heart stay for a long time. I think when I get back to work, I should be more sensitive to the needs of the person. With this fast pace of life, often the heart is wounded and more healing is needed.
One thing I am still working on: reclaiming my dream and passion – which I have lost over the years with the many failures, disappointments and hurts.
Essentials for Strength
If I were to rank the important elements to get through this ordeal, it would be God first and friends and family second.
True, abiding hope from God is pivotal. I would have drowned in fear, doubt and sadness without that. I’m not too sure how I manage to not ask “why me?” when I was undergoing the surgeries. At the back of my mind, I knew it was pointless and would only lead me to bitterness and anger (which definitely wasn’t helpful at all) but I think the decision not to delve into the fruitless “why me ?” was possible because God’s hope was so implanted into my heart that though I didn’t understand, I could rest in His arms and know that everything would turn out right and good.
Friends and family, especially my Christian friends, made it more bearable. Their support and constant prayers, whether in person, over sms or written in a card, reminded me of a hope I have in God that surpasses understanding and that somewhere out there in the confines of my home, there are people who care and will not let me slip into the abyss of gloom.
Thankful Items
I must say that there is a silver lining behind the clouds. One of the treasured responses of this trial is the increase in interactions with my five elder brothers. All married and busy with their own families, I didn’t really get to spend much time with them. The constant ferrying to the hospital and visiting me at the hospital and home were precious. Very precious.
Friendly Advice
To the cancer patient, to battle cancer, you must have hope. As a Christian, of course I would encourage you to believe that there’s more than just the tangible things on earth that matter. Have a group who’ll support you. People who know you and care for you, and you are comfortable in sharing your life with them. It’s okay to cry. Acknowledge what’s in your heart but don’t stop there. You need to envision how life would be after the trial is over.
As for the people who’ll be caregivers of cancer patients, God bless your heart with strength. Just be yourself as you interact with the patient. And remember that you can’t give what you don’t have inside, so you cannot run dry. No one is a super hero. Please do have your own support group as well: friends and confidantes who’ll listen to your burdens. Do give yourself some breaks too so that you can last longer.
My diagnosis of cancer was an accidental find, humanly speaking; but I believe it was God’s divine intervention. After a medical examination that found that my hemoglobin level was very low (5 – normal is about 12) but I dismissed it as not urgent and left it unattended till one day (months later) I asked my GP for alternatives for iron pills (wanted to avoid constipation, the side effects of iron pills) and she urged me to check into A&E and the hospital will probably give me a blood transfusion which will increase my hemoglobin quickly. After much urging from my GP, I went to SGH A&E with much fear. I got my two pints of blood but the doctors were unable to find the cause of my low hemoglobin level. I was discharged after given an outpatient CT Scan appointment. Cut the long story short, after a series of CT scans and stomach endoscopy, they found the cancer cells in my stomach.
Of course, I was rather devastated upon hearing the news from the doctor. It was a shock and I just couldn’t stop crying (I tried controlling my tears as I was at a public place after all, but hearing the empathetic voices of my close friends over the phone made it hard to control those tears) and had to take a while before I could calm myself.
It really helped that my church group had a whatsapp chat and after I told them about the diagnosis, my pastor called me and her understanding and empathy and advice helped me to calm down. Encouraging smses from my sisters-in-christ helped too.
I went to have some solitude and I was reminded of what God spoke to me the night before during a church worship rehearsal for that weekend’s services (it was from one of the songs we were going to sing, “Amazing Grace” by Chris Tomlin): “The Lord has promised good to me” and the feeling of being enveloped by the absoluteness of that promise the night before came back to me and though the news was disturbing, to say the least, I felt safe in God’s hands and I knew that He would take care of everything and I would be fine. Yeap, there was peace and I was even joyful (not over the fact that I got cancer but that it was not the end and there was HOPE of a better future). I don’t think it’s denial but it was God’s grace that brought light to the darkness.
It certainly helped that I knew I wasn’t going to die as the cancer was diagnosed early (Stage 2) and it was localized in the stomach. The reason I said it was God’s divine intervention was that I didn’t feel any pain the stomach, unlike the typical stomach cancer patient who only found out in the late stage as there was pain in the stomach. Also, the medical examination I had earlier showed unremarkable cancer marker.
I told my five elder brothers thru whatsapp (should I thank whatsapp for making it easier for me?) and my mother when I reached home. When they got the news, naturally they were concerned and my mother was burdened and wondered why this had to happen to her daughter. My elder brothers were more practical and wanted to ensure the best course of medical treatment was taken. For me, I was content to continue with SGH as my surgeon (who had to remove my stomach) was someone I felt very comfortable with and assured by his professionalism and cheerfulness. Yes, the interaction with the surgeon mattered !!!! I was so thankful that I got a really good one. The surgeon, I mean.
Unfortunately for me, my cancer cells were really devious and the rare occasion of cells going “underground” and spreading in between the layers of the stomach took place. Consequently, the surgeon had to remove the whole stomach the second time round (had partial removal of stomach the first time). I was really sad and the hope that saw me through the first operation was eroded. It was hard to be less gloomy this time round. Thankfully, though I still ask “why ?”, I didn’t fall into depression. And when God used a sister-in-Christ to encourage my heart through a vision she saw of God going before me and fighting for me, my heart was once again enveloped by His grace and love. Hope bubbled once again.
Concerns
Thankfully I’ve been working for just over two decades so finance wasn’t really a concern when it comes to paying hospitalization bills, and it was great that it was at the end of the year so it was school holidays and I didn’t need to worry about work. I was more worried about the chemotherapy which would take six months. Could I still work with the side effects of chemo ? Would I have sufficient savings to pay for treatment while not working ? I still have to support my mother…
Thankfully, the number of paid leave that I could get from school (my workplace) covered the duration of my chemotherapy so I could simply rest at home while undergoing chemo and not have to worry over finances. Also, there’s the company insurance that I could claim from so I was relieved.
Treatment
I will have a play on the word “treatment”. First, the physical treatments I had to undergo and second, the treatment I would like to get from people.
Physical treatment: I had to remove the cancer cells from my stomach. Unfortunately for me, it was the whole stomach. (sidetrack: Can I live without a stomach ? Yes, I can. And I was wrong to think that all the digestion takes place in the stomach. Digestion starts in the mouth and it’s the intestines that do more of the digestion.) Goes without saying that surgery was painful, especially the second one where it was no longer a key hole surgery. I have a 14 cm slit in my body now. I was on morphine for a few days which made me drowsy and lethargic. Simple movements like getting out of bed was a struggle, needless to say.
The second part of my physical treatment : chemotherapy. Have to undergo six months of infusion and oral chemo. Fortunately for me, the CT scan showed that I am clear of cancer but the oncologist had to prescribe a course of chemo to ensure no future relapse. So I have to go through eight cycles of chemo, each lasting three weeks. On the first day of the cycle, I have to undergo two hours of infusion chemo, which is like a drip – via needles (yucks), and then I start on a course of TS1 (drug name) pills for two weeks. Then I get one week of rest for my body to recover. A blood test follows and after seeing the oncologist who’ll monitor my body’s response, the next cycle starts.
“Human” treatment : How did I want to be treated during treatment? Whether I had just come out from surgery and recuperating in the hospital or at home, the answer is the same: just as they would normally interact with me. A cheerful balloon, time spent together, a card, a soft toy (now I have a whole box of care bears from friends!), a prayer together, sharing latest news of friends, jokes etc – anything that came from the heart was most appreciated.
Changes
Have things changed for me? Definitely. More so physically for now. I've lost 10 kg (which I am most thankful for !!!) and I now have to eat frequent small meals (can only stomach about one third of what I could in the past at one go). It saddens me that I couldn’t finish a bowl of noodles in the food court so I don’t eat at coffee shops now (anyway I’m resting at home now so this is not an issue). Visions of lunching out with friends at Fish and Co, Carousel etc sort of dissipates till hopefully someday in the future I could eat more at one go.
As I’m still undergoing chemo now, the side effects (tiredness, tingling sensation of limbs, abdominal pain and loss of appetite) make my life less mobile and more inclined to remain in the house. Nonetheless, I must also say that living at a more leisurely pace is welcomed!!
Have my perspective of life changed ? I would say sort of.
I was reminded of God’s sovereignty and how much less of a deal I’m making for myself when I tried to manage things for myself, i.e. be self sufficient and dependent on self to make life better. The lesson was learnt when things went awry despite me upgrading my hospital ward. I was miserable till I let go and submitted to God’s sufficiency. Then peace came. I guess, over the years, independence has become self reliance and kicking God out of active lordship. Not saying independence is bad, though.
Another shift in my priority: to be more people centred. Accomplishments come and go but the experiences that touch the heart stay for a long time. I think when I get back to work, I should be more sensitive to the needs of the person. With this fast pace of life, often the heart is wounded and more healing is needed.
One thing I am still working on: reclaiming my dream and passion – which I have lost over the years with the many failures, disappointments and hurts.
Essentials for Strength
If I were to rank the important elements to get through this ordeal, it would be God first and friends and family second.
True, abiding hope from God is pivotal. I would have drowned in fear, doubt and sadness without that. I’m not too sure how I manage to not ask “why me?” when I was undergoing the surgeries. At the back of my mind, I knew it was pointless and would only lead me to bitterness and anger (which definitely wasn’t helpful at all) but I think the decision not to delve into the fruitless “why me ?” was possible because God’s hope was so implanted into my heart that though I didn’t understand, I could rest in His arms and know that everything would turn out right and good.
Friends and family, especially my Christian friends, made it more bearable. Their support and constant prayers, whether in person, over sms or written in a card, reminded me of a hope I have in God that surpasses understanding and that somewhere out there in the confines of my home, there are people who care and will not let me slip into the abyss of gloom.
Thankful Items
I must say that there is a silver lining behind the clouds. One of the treasured responses of this trial is the increase in interactions with my five elder brothers. All married and busy with their own families, I didn’t really get to spend much time with them. The constant ferrying to the hospital and visiting me at the hospital and home were precious. Very precious.
Friendly Advice
To the cancer patient, to battle cancer, you must have hope. As a Christian, of course I would encourage you to believe that there’s more than just the tangible things on earth that matter. Have a group who’ll support you. People who know you and care for you, and you are comfortable in sharing your life with them. It’s okay to cry. Acknowledge what’s in your heart but don’t stop there. You need to envision how life would be after the trial is over.
As for the people who’ll be caregivers of cancer patients, God bless your heart with strength. Just be yourself as you interact with the patient. And remember that you can’t give what you don’t have inside, so you cannot run dry. No one is a super hero. Please do have your own support group as well: friends and confidantes who’ll listen to your burdens. Do give yourself some breaks too so that you can last longer.
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