Interviewed by Project Voice. Written by Tan Fong Han, photos by Sarah Zhou.
On Personal Faith
On a Tuesday afternoon, just shortly after school, I paid a visit to the Hand Reconstructive Surgery and Angiography Department in NUH (National University Hospital). The purpose of my visit was to interview a breast cancer survivor patient, Ms Rahimah Bari.
In our daily lives, very seldom do we dwell on the thought of breast cancer - until perhaps only recently, when the Singapore Breast Cancer movement started making itself known through pamphlets and mammogram programmes. Understandably, with the demographics of an adolescent just narrowly short of 16 (me) - hardly developed enough to empathise with the consequences of this medical term, the very first impression that breast cancer brings to me is an extremely depressing growth that has somehow made its way onto, well, your breast, and was rendering you extremely sick.
And hence, with the mental preparation of meeting a potentially depressing interviewee, imbued with all the sadness and melodramatic understanding of the world, I took my first step onto the well-polished floor of NUH.
Little did I know that I was to be quickly disappointed. Ms Rahimah, 46 a pleasantly plump and decidedly charming woman was someone of strong personal energy – one which got her quickly looking out of the clinic for us at 2.30pm when were due to arrive. Warmly invited into her cozy office, decorated with cards, motivational quotes and photographs around her work desk, we were still unsuspecting 16 year olds waiting for her melodramatic outburst of anguish, one which never came.
Ms Rahimah was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer 4 years back, in 2009. The cancer, when diagnosed, had already spread to two of her lymph nodes, and was in dire need of treatment. Throughout her cancer treatment, Ms Rahimah had to undergo an operation to remove 35 of her lymph nodes and undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Said the nurse manager at NUH, ‘When I was diagnosed, I asked God “Why me? I have 2 young daughters and a sickly mother to look after, I cannot die now…” I broke down in the doctor’s office when I first heard I was diagnosed with cancer. I was not ready to die.
Indeed, to most diagnosed cancer patients, the greatest fear and stigma after going through the shock of being diagnosed of cancer would be of death. Never before had the notion of death come so quickly to anyone. One moment you might be getting into the routine of living life as an independent individual, so full of drive, and the next, you might be at the clinic, being told that you didn’t have much time left to live. To many, the process of treatment may make one quell in under pressure and lose faith in life.
Yet to Ms Rahimah, staying strong to fight against the cancerous cells was as important as staying strong for her family. ‘I didn’t want them to see how afraid I was or how much pain I was in, so I went about being my gila (crazy) self and told jokes and went on with life.’ When asked about her family’s reaction to her diagnosis, she looked a little confused and replied, ‘I didn’t really know because they didn’t show much to my lack-of-drama in realizing that I was diagnosed with cancer.’
To my romantic teenage soul, such a clinical response seemed a little too unfeeling and consequently, shocking. What I didn’t realize then was of the strength Ms Rahimah, who has a mother undergoing dialysis and two young daughters still studying, was talking about. ‘When you’re sick, people give you strength, but you walk the journey alone.’ - so as to not drag them down with you. This was really the quote that stuck to me. Perhaps that’s how it is. In real life, no one can shower you with a thousand loves throughout the whole time you are sick. ‘You have to fight on and be strong yourself because it’s your life, not God’s life. You can’t ask God to save you and give up on yourself,’ Mrs Rahimah said.
That being said, social life did not stop for Ms Rahimah upon her diagnosis of cancer. Rather, this woman of strong drive became even more involved in the workings of society, took part in more social events than ever – not only to prove herself, but also to serve a higher purpose – to unite fellow breast cancer patients to fight on confidently.
In addition, the experience of going through cancer also caused Ms Rahimah to stop smoking and drinking. Life became so much more precious when it’s tethering at the edge. ‘My daughters were wonderful, they prayed for me everyday, it made me realize how I have to live my life properly and live for them.
‘My very first mammogram was done by someone who had just battled cancer herself! She had just returned to work after taking 1 year’s leave while undergoing cancer treatment then. She shared her experiences with me. I have another colleague who was also a Nurse Manager, she was diagnosed just 3 months earlier before me Towards the end of her last days, she was no longer her happy, optimistic self anymore. She went down with cancer. It’s sad, it’s scary, but it’s life. I didn’t want my life to be like that. And I told myself that I will do all I can to win this battle. For me, and for my family. That’s what I think everyone else should do too.’
Ms Rahimah is currently a nurse manager at NUH and a dedicated orator on breast cancer, sharing her personal battle with many other women, hoping to inspire them. She joined the Ain Society, a Muslim organization geared towards building community spirit, and actively conducts mother and daughter workshops and talks. Beyond that, Ms Rahimah also has a blog on her experience of cancer, spreading her wisdom and advice to others who need her help.
In Ms Rahimah, I saw not only strength in overcoming her own fears of death. Rather, I saw someone more, who has learnt to come to terms with fate but would not submit to it without a fight. I saw a woman determined to keep herself upbeat, and life worth living even at a moment when life felt like rock bottom.
Tips from Ms Rahimah to all cancer patients:
1) Be comfortable with yourself. Care not of other’s opinions, but your own.
2) Trust the doctors, don’t mix Chinese herbs with chemotherapy
3) Take up insurance, ensure that cancer does not leave you in poverty.
4) People taking care of those with cancer, be sensitive and strong for the patient. Read up about cancer and the patient’s needs The patient may be extremely sensitive and read between the lines all the time. Even a simple sentence such as ‘if I can do it, so can you’ May cause them to be hurt.
5) Conduct regular breast checks and mammogram screening. Early detection can really save you a lot more trouble.
6) Life is so fragile, hold on to it.
On a Tuesday afternoon, just shortly after school, I paid a visit to the Hand Reconstructive Surgery and Angiography Department in NUH (National University Hospital). The purpose of my visit was to interview a breast cancer survivor patient, Ms Rahimah Bari.
In our daily lives, very seldom do we dwell on the thought of breast cancer - until perhaps only recently, when the Singapore Breast Cancer movement started making itself known through pamphlets and mammogram programmes. Understandably, with the demographics of an adolescent just narrowly short of 16 (me) - hardly developed enough to empathise with the consequences of this medical term, the very first impression that breast cancer brings to me is an extremely depressing growth that has somehow made its way onto, well, your breast, and was rendering you extremely sick.
And hence, with the mental preparation of meeting a potentially depressing interviewee, imbued with all the sadness and melodramatic understanding of the world, I took my first step onto the well-polished floor of NUH.
Little did I know that I was to be quickly disappointed. Ms Rahimah, 46 a pleasantly plump and decidedly charming woman was someone of strong personal energy – one which got her quickly looking out of the clinic for us at 2.30pm when were due to arrive. Warmly invited into her cozy office, decorated with cards, motivational quotes and photographs around her work desk, we were still unsuspecting 16 year olds waiting for her melodramatic outburst of anguish, one which never came.
Ms Rahimah was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer 4 years back, in 2009. The cancer, when diagnosed, had already spread to two of her lymph nodes, and was in dire need of treatment. Throughout her cancer treatment, Ms Rahimah had to undergo an operation to remove 35 of her lymph nodes and undergo chemotherapy and radiation. Said the nurse manager at NUH, ‘When I was diagnosed, I asked God “Why me? I have 2 young daughters and a sickly mother to look after, I cannot die now…” I broke down in the doctor’s office when I first heard I was diagnosed with cancer. I was not ready to die.
Indeed, to most diagnosed cancer patients, the greatest fear and stigma after going through the shock of being diagnosed of cancer would be of death. Never before had the notion of death come so quickly to anyone. One moment you might be getting into the routine of living life as an independent individual, so full of drive, and the next, you might be at the clinic, being told that you didn’t have much time left to live. To many, the process of treatment may make one quell in under pressure and lose faith in life.
Yet to Ms Rahimah, staying strong to fight against the cancerous cells was as important as staying strong for her family. ‘I didn’t want them to see how afraid I was or how much pain I was in, so I went about being my gila (crazy) self and told jokes and went on with life.’ When asked about her family’s reaction to her diagnosis, she looked a little confused and replied, ‘I didn’t really know because they didn’t show much to my lack-of-drama in realizing that I was diagnosed with cancer.’
To my romantic teenage soul, such a clinical response seemed a little too unfeeling and consequently, shocking. What I didn’t realize then was of the strength Ms Rahimah, who has a mother undergoing dialysis and two young daughters still studying, was talking about. ‘When you’re sick, people give you strength, but you walk the journey alone.’ - so as to not drag them down with you. This was really the quote that stuck to me. Perhaps that’s how it is. In real life, no one can shower you with a thousand loves throughout the whole time you are sick. ‘You have to fight on and be strong yourself because it’s your life, not God’s life. You can’t ask God to save you and give up on yourself,’ Mrs Rahimah said.
That being said, social life did not stop for Ms Rahimah upon her diagnosis of cancer. Rather, this woman of strong drive became even more involved in the workings of society, took part in more social events than ever – not only to prove herself, but also to serve a higher purpose – to unite fellow breast cancer patients to fight on confidently.
In addition, the experience of going through cancer also caused Ms Rahimah to stop smoking and drinking. Life became so much more precious when it’s tethering at the edge. ‘My daughters were wonderful, they prayed for me everyday, it made me realize how I have to live my life properly and live for them.
‘My very first mammogram was done by someone who had just battled cancer herself! She had just returned to work after taking 1 year’s leave while undergoing cancer treatment then. She shared her experiences with me. I have another colleague who was also a Nurse Manager, she was diagnosed just 3 months earlier before me Towards the end of her last days, she was no longer her happy, optimistic self anymore. She went down with cancer. It’s sad, it’s scary, but it’s life. I didn’t want my life to be like that. And I told myself that I will do all I can to win this battle. For me, and for my family. That’s what I think everyone else should do too.’
Ms Rahimah is currently a nurse manager at NUH and a dedicated orator on breast cancer, sharing her personal battle with many other women, hoping to inspire them. She joined the Ain Society, a Muslim organization geared towards building community spirit, and actively conducts mother and daughter workshops and talks. Beyond that, Ms Rahimah also has a blog on her experience of cancer, spreading her wisdom and advice to others who need her help.
In Ms Rahimah, I saw not only strength in overcoming her own fears of death. Rather, I saw someone more, who has learnt to come to terms with fate but would not submit to it without a fight. I saw a woman determined to keep herself upbeat, and life worth living even at a moment when life felt like rock bottom.
Tips from Ms Rahimah to all cancer patients:
1) Be comfortable with yourself. Care not of other’s opinions, but your own.
2) Trust the doctors, don’t mix Chinese herbs with chemotherapy
3) Take up insurance, ensure that cancer does not leave you in poverty.
4) People taking care of those with cancer, be sensitive and strong for the patient. Read up about cancer and the patient’s needs The patient may be extremely sensitive and read between the lines all the time. Even a simple sentence such as ‘if I can do it, so can you’ May cause them to be hurt.
5) Conduct regular breast checks and mammogram screening. Early detection can really save you a lot more trouble.
6) Life is so fragile, hold on to it.
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